My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
