apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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