her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
