I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
