I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
