dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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