My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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