I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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