I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
