I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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