Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
