how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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