I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
