Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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