This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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