My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
