My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
