I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
