i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
