She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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