He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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