Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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