I think I died a long time ago.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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