oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My ass is underappreciated
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
