The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
