I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
