Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
