i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
