I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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