i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
