i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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