so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
