He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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