when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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