Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
