Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
