Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
