Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
