i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Bang-toberfest begins!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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