come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
