haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
