i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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