There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
