I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
