Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
