I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
