my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
