He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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