I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
