I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
