I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
