my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
