is your mom at the bar?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
